14/02/2024

drew these myself ^ :p

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAYYYYYYY!!!it’s been a while since i’ve done something like this, not purposefully but i didn’t find the inspiration to. i won’t digress from the main topic - valentine’s. i am so unbelievably excited to spend our first valentine’s together, i’ve always devalued and ignored this date so i am a bit unsure of what is up to standard and what’s not but if i do end up messing up please do forgive me it was not my intention.i remember the day that i realized i fell in love with you clear as day. the moment i started becoming way too aware of my heart pounding whenever you called my name (and it wasn’t from anxiety this time). the way i’d wait for your text and i’d wait for you to come online so we could play our silly little game. i’ll never be able to feel anything as strong outside of you. i am hopelessly and madly in love with you in every single way that there is to imagine.there’s no possible way to explain just how much love and care i have for you and that is a fact. we’ve had our up and down’s like every other relationship out there but one thing is true and it’s that i will never let go. we may fight and crash heads, we may get hurt and upset or angry and sad, but at the end of the day we have each other and that means we have everything.lately, i’ve been thinking of a future with you. of waking up next to you every morning and reaching out to hold you just to confirm you’re really there. of learning how to cook for the sake of making you your favorite platters - in and out of our culture - whenever. of being able to get you flowers “just because”.you’re an incredible, amazing, sweet, kindhearted, lovely person that deserves FAR much more than anything i am giving you and will ever be able to give you. for that, i will always have that sting of not being enough, but i’m far too hardheaded to admit defeat and let you go because you “deserve better”. i am willing to be the better in every single possible meaning.i love the sound of your laugh and how it tugs at my heartstrings, when it’s late and we’re being stupid together in call and we laugh until we turn red and there’s tears at the corners of our eyes. when we argue and there’s always that moment of raw intimacy where i imagine myself holding your head and kissing it, holding you close and bringing you peace.perhaps i haven’t been doing that lately. i’m aware i haven’t been the best boyfriend, specially when it comes to stuff with strong emotions. i have a very difficult time deciphering big feelings, and sometimes i go overboard or shut down about it. i’m not the best at comforting. i always neutrally take a logical stand to things when yours tends to be emotional and for that we clash sometimes. i believe in logic and common sense to fix issues, but you have a much different way that i’m (still) adapting to. i’m scared of “taking you for granted”, i’m scared of losing you. i’m scared of being a terrible boyfriend and making you unhappy. there’s not a single moment where i don’t worry about whether if you’re happy in this relationship or not. and some may say that you can’t be terrible if you don’t purposefully try, you can’t treat your loved one like shit if you don’t mean to, but i still worry. i want to give you the love and treatment you deserve without any means in between. nothing in return but gifting me your presence and existence.however with all of this in mind i can only affirm that i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you time and time again until there’s no more tongue to repeat. i am joyful to be able to talk to you every day and every second whenever we both can. it’s a crazy feeling that i’m still figuring out, but at the moment i’ll only write it out however it comes and pray it makes sense while i put words together.i decided i'm going to do things differently this time and PERHAPS i will regret it and come back to shit on myself for it. everyone loves getting paragraphs and nice stuff when they're asleep so they can wake up to it viki!!!!!! yes, that i agree. but i am going to send this to you AFTER your dentist appointment, i want to cheer you up. it might've meant more if i was to do it while you were asleep but well, from mistakes everyone learns. i feel quite inexperienced, i know that this is a first for you too but i'm scared of feeding into the stereotype of being the shitty boyfriend that does nothing for his partner. i try quite hard to please you, and i know that just sounds like i'm fishing for pity and your agreement when in reality it's not true - with that i agree myself too, i have to admit that i don't always do a good job and sometimes i'm barely doing anything at all - but i believe that one day i will make up for it.i want you to stay with me forever. when you're running away from conflict, when you're happy and gleaming, when you're depressed and can't get out of bed, when you're so busy you overwork yourself to the point of feeling like you're gonna pass out, when you're sorrowful and mourning, when you're being unreasonable, when you're pissed and angry. i want you all the time no matter what. i made a vow to myself - to stay. to stay with the person that is right for me and that loves me as much as you do, and even though sometimes i might be a regret to you, i want to make the good things last long enough that you forget about that part.there's really not.. much i can do and that makes me a tad bit sad. even this is not enough and i'm very very aware of it. i feel sorry for the way that i'm doing things at all - i apologize. there's so much more that i want to do for you, and i will not be shy once i get the chance to.i've been daydreaming of us recently. way more often than usual. it feels good to think that these scenarios playing out in my head are going to become a reality soon enough. i crave your warmth and the touch of your soft looking hands. i want to challenge myself by pushing myself out of my own comfort zone for the sake of chasing what i want - you. there's not a single thing in the world that i wouldn't give or do for you, so long you're happy and safe, and with me.there has been plenty of times that i've seen myself mirrored in you, even if it was in a different way, and while that makes me sad it gives me the confidence that i know what to do in order to fix or better that issue within you. you've helped me tremendously and i want to do the same for you without cutting back on anything. i know i've been unfair and unjust at times, i've been mean and i've definitely said things that i don't mean. there's a lot lot LOT of things that i regret when it comes to us, but i won't let that drag me down enough that i can't think about the better things or about making it better.no matter how much i write, the things i feel are endless. i could spend all day here writing the same thing again and again and it won't run out. it won't be enough. words are simply not enough to make justice for what i truly feel. take that and mix it with the fact that i suck at writing out my feelings and it's practically nearly impossible. and i admit, it becomes quite difficult when all i can think about is saying "i love you" but that would be shitty to just end it with. i can't look for bigger words since they just don't exist. i wish i could make up a word for what i feel towards you but even that is impossibly hard to imagine.i may be selfish right now but i really want you to love me too. i want you to feel the same things i do and maybe not in the same amount but somewhere in the middle where you can relate to all the things i'm spewing out. maybe all of this is nonsense to you - and it would've been better if i had ended it 4 sentences ago, but you know me.i always do the "go big or go home" and maybe in a different timeline it would've been better if i went home (i'm kidding). i don't want to spin around and try to bite my own tail too much. i'm excited to see you and unbelievably happy that i'm even able to think about it in a way that will become true. i'm excited to have kids - with fur or without fur - with you. i'm excited to move in with you and live a life that we both imagined years ago. i wouldn't consider myself an ambitious person but when it comes to you i am most definitely ambitious. because i want it all with you, no matter what it is or how small or big it is. if we go see the stars while we sit at the beach or if i see you walk down the aisle, i want both the same amount. maybe the last one a bit more but you get what i mean.my point is, i'm extremely happy with you and i hope you are too. i want to continue being with you for the rest of my life since i can't really see a future without you. you've changed me in ways that i never thought possible and the only thing i can do is be grateful. thank you so much for everything, and i hope this comes to you good. i love you to every single corner of the world, i love you.

iamsocringe